On blogging and the internet at large, and how it influences my life personally.

To blog or not to blog, that is the question.

My main issue is that I want my voice to be heard and my perspective to be seen. So I post my poetry at Allpoetry.com, I've posted my photography a number of places (Tumblr, Flickr, and Facebook to name a few), I've posted snippets of stories on Tumblr, Allpoetry, Wordpress, and wherever else.

And I blog. Oh, do I blog. I've been through phases at many different blog sites (Xanga, Livejournal, Tumblr, here) and yet I always feel as though no one cares. No matter what I post in this infinitely vast universe called the Internet, I always come away feeling as though no one was looking in the first place.

It makes me think I'm not worthwhile. On my main Tumblr, I am followed because I post pictures of David Tennant, Doctor Who, flowers, funny graphs, teacups, etc. If I started using my Tumblr for writing purposes only, I'm sure my number of followers would dwindle down considerably. Same with Youtube: any original videos are largely looked over. Preferred are Doctor Who fanvids (and even those hardly get viewed) or songs that aren't uploaded anywhere else on Youtube.

I would feel better if there was a way for me to get my work into the world through tangible means. Create a coffee table book of my photography, a small volume of poetry, a novella, anything. Something you can hold instead of relying on a screen. That's one reason why I dislike the Internet, to be honest, and people who solely post their work online: you can't hold it, you can't store it away on your shelf. Digging through bookmarks is a different story than simply getting out of your chair and spending a minute browsing titles before your eye lands on the one you want.

However, there isn't a way to get feedback through tangible means, unless you hound people. You don't send a book around the world, have people read it and scribble comments on the pages, then have it returned at the end; you just don't.

Yet it's always someone else, someone more phenomenal, getting noticed as far as the internet is concerned. There are talented writers such as Eric Shaw and tigersihaveknown on Tumblr. There's angrybeige, who does comics on Livejournal. There are scads of people on Youtube. (Alex Day, Charlie McDonnell, and Bryony, to name a few.) Many photographers don't just use Flickr; Tasha and Moey make Tumblr their home, for example.

On and on it goes. Can't catch people's attention? Too bad for you.

Already I have low enough self-esteem, from the favoritism my mom shows my brother and the little regard she has for any successes I might have, to rejections from real life publishers time and time again. I'm tired of jumping from website to website and never finding a home, never finding much reception. Am I really that lacking?

Blogging is similar, in my opinion. I know for most people it's a way of releasing your thoughts, it's healthy, it's fine. But to me, it turns into everything else. Whether I post a quick word or an essay or mindless rambling, no one cares, no one glances over. I shouldn't have to feel like I need validation when I'm doing nothing more than recounting my day, for goodness sake. Yet I do.

I feel like, for me, internet activity is starting to become unhealthy. Granted, it's good to be connected to the world and understand what's going on, which is part of the reason why I use Tumblr. Outlets such as Clear Science, i12bent, and The Daily What keep me informed. Library Land and Good Poetry strive to keep me well-read. But, for the most part, whenever I get online, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of successes where I cannot keep afloat because I'm seriously not competent enough to measure up, no matter what the arena is.

Something needs to change.

Starting in 2011, I think I'd like to cut down on a lot of things. Unfollow people on Tumblr - or even stop using it entirely, I haven't decided. Distance myself from Youtube and treat it more like TV than people rubbing their brilliance in my face. Maybe abandon most, if not all, of the writing sites I've joined in my day. I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to feel better, but I don't exactly know how.

Honestly, not even showing my friends in real life my writing did much good, even after every single one of them told me they liked it. Five people passed around a portion of my NaNoWriMo this year, and I requested that they highlight/underline what they liked. By the time it got back to me, most of the pages were marked up with all sorts of different colors. This should have made me feel better. All it did was make me feel like "well, they somehow liked what I did here, so because of that, I have to keep up whatever I was doing and not disappoint them, not ruin the good start I have." And you know what happened? I never did finish NaNo, never even got close.

What is wrong with me?

My mom said that, way back when I was first accepted into the gifted class at my school, one of the symptoms of a "gifted mind" was starting lots of projects only to abandon them. Well, if that is the truth, then I must at least be gifted in some way, because I don't know how many times I've picked up an idea for a novel or what have you only to set it back down a few weeks later. More than anything, it makes me feel like a failure.

There isn't much I'm good at in life, honestly. I don't have many practical skills, I don't have artistic talents, I can't teach, I can't speak in front of crowds, I can't swim, I can't even drive yet. What do I have going for me?

Obviously, I know that the Internet didn't start all this buzzing in my head. Running a blog doesn't automatically put a huge dent in your self-esteem. However, at least from my perspective, being a member of such places as Tumblr can be fun at times, but ultimately it only serves to wound me.

Something needs to change. I need to figure out some sort of resolution for 2011 that will start me on the path to recovery, start gradually rewiring something in my head so that I can look at myself or look at the creative messes my hands build and not cringe upon sight.

Please, something make me better.